Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
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If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.