Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
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Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”