Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
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The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.