Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
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sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
groan^2
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
It was worth a shot 😂
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented