Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
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I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”