Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
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Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology