Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
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me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet