Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
You Might Also Like
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Close call…
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.