@CheryeDavis: I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.

@AnOrangeSNES: [Kitchen] Me: I'm a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state. Wife: No you don't the moon is full now. Me: *Illinois noises*

@weinerdog4life: I'm just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.

@OLDIRTYDIAPER: Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you're a parent: -showers -sitting down to eat -drinking coffee while it's hot -pooping

@BlindChow: "Shotgun!" I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat. I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.