Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
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I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
bad news gang
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Confused owl: What?!
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Is this you?
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?