[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
You Might Also Like
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.