“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
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Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Grandmother clock.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?