FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
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Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
You are what you delete.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.