FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
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4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
If you love someone, let them tweet.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.