Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
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Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
the simulation is moving too fast
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?