Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
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MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert