Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
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ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
😂😂
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
I wanna be friends with this person