Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
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I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
When I laugh on my period
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport