Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
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Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
When someone trying to leave me
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.