Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
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First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
How software testing works
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Effort made
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.