I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
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[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.