Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
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*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
My plans: 2020:
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*