*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
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There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.