Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
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K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.