Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
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I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
I have so many questions.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Yeah. This was me today.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.