FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
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I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆