Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
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When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
What if all the cashiers are married?
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.