Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
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I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
It do be feeling this way.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.