Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
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Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
[plot twist] ur buried vertically