Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
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You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
I never know how much to tip a cow.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.