@bourgeoisalien: Fun prank: tell your kid World War II ended by the Americans dropping an F-bomb on Japan. Then later when his teacher calls, act shocked.
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@MelvinofYork: My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
@jasonroeder: Next time a conspiracy theorist says, "That's what they want you to think," say, "No, but that's what they wanted you to tell me."
@rockymomax: [having sex] Me: Oh ya you like that? Her: Deeper! Me: [baritone voice] OH YA YOU LIKE THAT?