If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
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Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
From Facebook just now…
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.