@SocialExtortion: fun prank: text a girl "we need to talk right now" and then throw your phone into a river
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@davidkenny100: Me as the astronaut in that Martian movie: "Day 1 I have enough food to last 459 days" "Day 2 I now have enough food to last 170 days"
@TweetsByTheTony: El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
@_NTFG_: When your mate says his name is Stephen with a 'ph' to the cashier and he gets his Starbucks cup back reading 'PHEVEN'. That.
@Cheeseboy22: Overheard in 2nd grade class today: "Do your work! Santa's watching right now." "Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago."