Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
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My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Brb my Sims are getting married
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit