Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
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me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.