FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
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Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.