@DanMentos: FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
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@LosLos__: HR: You said: You're "moist" welcome? Me: Autocorrect. HR: You're fine. Me: Sweet! HR: I meant: you're fired. Autocorrect.
@miller_tm: Just got an email from dominoes said "easy and delicious" they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
@ClaytonSykes: Having a beard makes it easier to hatch a scheme, but it's getting harder and harder to play on a public swing set by myself.
@CaseyMichelle__: Well if you didn't want me to fall in love with you, why did you tell me you had nachos?