FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
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No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*