FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
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I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Just parrot things
You can’t outrun your problems…
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Erm…
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
NOT all policemen are strippers.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about