*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
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Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
happy valentine’s day to me
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”