*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
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When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?