Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
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Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell