Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
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If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
And that about sums it up.