Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
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One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.