“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
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“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
They’re really bad with fonts.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.