FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
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The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.