Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
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*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
the rocks need my help
Comparing yourself to others
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
The absolute effort that went into this omg