Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
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The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
What a kind woman! 😂😂
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Story of my life…..
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.