@jenstatsky: FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: "Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?"
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@Cpin42: I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
@SirEviscerate: *accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus* ... *makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
@TheReal_AndyMac: When a woman says, "We need to talk", it's no good. Never has a woman said, "We need to talk" and followed it up with "about pillow forts".
@abbycohenwl: [spelling bee] JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect” KID: I haven’t spelled it yet JUDGE: No, that’s your word KID: T-H-A-T-’-S JUDGE: No- KID: N-