@jenstatsky: FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: "Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?"
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@KentWGraham: I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
@iGreenMonk: This guy told me that playing the voilin is the best way to calm you down. I bet he never tried smashing it over someone's head.
@AtmanThakrar: I'm very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
@Hormonella: What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
@Ristolable: Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
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