Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
You Might Also Like
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.