@juliussharpe: Fun tip - instead of going on vacation with a baby, stand outside until you're sunburned, then light $1,000 on fire.
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@mlinhart: Dear fork, I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork. Love always, Spoon PS: he has your hair.
@Mr_Kapowski: If you're ever lost in the woods, try to find a bear to kill. Their claws will provide four sweet breakfast pastries.
@juliussharpe: For just $28,000, I will teach any politician or politician's wife to wave like a normal human being.
@AndyAsAdjective: Respond to every "How was your weekend?" today by staring off into the distance & whispering "So much blood..."