@juliussharpe: Fun tip - instead of going on vacation with a baby, stand outside until you're sunburned, then light $1,000 on fire.
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@weinerdog4life: The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
@jazmasta: *sits at bar and loosens tie after a tough day at the office* Bartender: Usual? Me: Make it a large one Bartender: One large milk coming up
@_troyjohnson: Son, my best advice is to find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and marry her. She knows how to make bad decisions and stick with them.