Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
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Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face