Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
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I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.